Sunday, June 16, 2013

Seven days and one week

A round-up of the week's major news stories as seen through the eyes of an inattentive, misinformed moron.

It's not been a great week for interesting news stories to be honest. We've had politicians quibbling over whether their spouses should be allowed accompany them on business trips, the G8 summit and the abortion debate rumbling on, and on, and on. So in light of this uneventful week I'm going to ruminate on a few of the stories which had me chortling quietly to myself over the past seven days.

Ya two-faced bitch

I don't like cats, they're sneaky, selfish little fuckers and they can't be trusted. Big cats are fine, they're beautiful to look at and have earned the right to be a bit moody. But house-cats? No thanks. I'm a dog person, simple as that. So when I saw pictures of Duecy, a little kitten born in Amity, Oregon, I recoiled in horror. A cat with two faces. My worst nightmare. And then I watched the video, Jesus fucking Christ. Born with a rare genetic disorder Deucy was not expected to live very long and so it was thus. She died within a week. Excuse me if I don't lament her passing. I can safely say this short clip is one of the most terrifying things I have ever witnessed. Horror film maker's take note.

Non-refundable items

All this week Newstalk have been running a debate on the issue of prostitution in Ireland. Should it be decriminalised? Who should be targeted? Is it the punters who are to blame? And so on. Several experts in the field, including both working-girls and their customers, were interviewed on the subject with the end result being no one really knows what we should do. I live just around the corner from what I like to think of as Limerick's red-light district so I have a unique insight into this sordid business. But the truth of the matter is, it's not sordid. Not from where I'm looking anyway.

One of the benefits of legalising prostitution would be the regulation of it's industry. In theory this would mean no more human trafficking, safer working environments and less risk of STIs. Perhaps we could even tax the workers and make a few bob out of it. But amid all this discussion one thing was continually overlooked, the quality of the service provided. These girls don't come cheap y'know – or so I've heard anyway. You've got to make sure you get enough ahem, bang for your buck. Any transaction involves value for money and if you're not satisfied with your product then you're well within your rights to complain, to the police if needs be. Just like this fella did.

I think I'm turning Japanese

What it is about the Japanese and weird sexual fetishes? What is it about the Japanese and weirdness full stop? They're just a bonkers nation. Think of Takeshi's Castle, Tartan Asia Extreme and any number of peculiar videos located in the darkest corners of the Internet. Perhaps it's their excessive politeness and shiny clean cities which drives them to such odd behaviour when behind closed doors. All that pressure to be nice and tidy comes lifting off their shoulders and with it any sense of normality.

But even by their standards 'worming' is a little bit freaky. What the fuck is worming? Well if you must know it's the act of licking another person's eyeball. Bet you wish you hadn't asked now. Apparently this is display of affection and not a new torture technique like I first thought. Hmm I can feel my trousers a' tingling just thinking about it. As if the thought of having a big soggy tongue run all over your retina wasn't bad enough it appears that there's health risks too. A sudden spike in conjunctivitis and eye-chlamydia (wtf) has been attributed to the popularity of worming among Japan's younger citizens. Try explaining that to a new beau.

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