BALE
OUT
At
the time of writing Gareth Bale is still a Tottenham Hotspur player.
But with an offer rumoured to be in excess of 100 million pounds on
the table it appears only a matter of time before the Welshman swaps
the white of Spurs for that of Madrid. It really is an outlandish sum
of money and the size of the fee has sparked fevered debate among
football fans throughout the world - the common theme being “Is he
worth it?”But who knows if he's worth it? His value is inestimable
when compared to real world finances. However when it comes to money
football has always made up it's own rules. Forget about the fact
that over half of Spaniards under twenty-five are unemployed, or that
Real are heavily in debt and continue to flagrantly disregard the
recently introduced FFP; Barcelona have signed Neymar, and the King's
club can't have those pesky Catalans outdoing them.
This
is what football has become, a willy-waving contest. And in spite of
all their prestige and history Real Madrid are by far the worst
culprits. The craziest thing of all is that as a squad they have no
pressing need for the mercurial talents of Bale, they are already
stockpiled with attacking talent and a defensive linchpin is far more
of a priority - but lumbering, wonky-nosed stoppers don't sell
jerseys. The likelihood is that Bale will end up at the Bernebau and
luckily for English football that will mean a stagnant market
suddenly bursting into life as a result. The future of many of the
league's top names should be decided within the next few weeks bringing an end to many months of mind-numbing speculation.
But
the future of a club which once counted themselves among the league's
top names for over thirty years is unlikely to be resolved any time
soon. This week Coventry City went into liquidation, that's right the
same club who regularly tamed the game's big boys at a feverish Highfield Road, the same club who once boasted talents like Dion
Dublin, Gary McAllister and Darren Huckerby. How much money the club
needed to remain financially viable is not known, but I'd wager that
it amounted to little more than a fraction of the price tag placed
upon the monkey-headed Welshman.
THE BINGO HALL PLEASE, AND MAKE IT SNAPPY
“Will
I do another doughnut Mrs Murphy?” “Yes, go on, do another,
WAHEY!” “You asked for it.” SCREEECH!!! “WHEEEEEEE.”
That
was a fictional reconstruction of an old-age pensioner in a car with
a boy-racer, no grannies nor local amenities were damaged during it's
production. But this unlikely alliance may soon become a reality all
over the country if Killarney's Mayor Paddy Courtney has his way. Mr
Courtney's suggestion is that these young ne'er do wells tearing up
the roads in their souped up Micras put their mileage to better use.
And how so? By ferrying the nation's grannies and grandads to and
from their social activities that's how. Worried about how you're going to get
home from mass Mr O'Leary? Fear not help is at hand in the guise of
young Liam here. Now just hop in the back seat there, that's right,
beside the subwoofers, and away you go, be sure to buckle up tight
'cos it's bound to be a bumpy ride.
The
funny thing is that this isn't the worst idea of all time. If you can
ignore the legal ramifications and the propensity for mischief for a
second it could actually work – sure them young fellas are haring
up and down the road all day and night anyway, why not stick an ould
wan in the back while they're at it! But then you think back to when
you were that age and the whole thing comes tumbling down. Imagine
the craic you'd have with a poor, defenceless septuagenarian coming
along for the ride. There'd be joints flying around the place, Biggie
Smalls blasting at full volume and corners took at death-defying
speed, if Mrs McGrath wasn't incontinent before she got into the car
she fuckin' will be by the time she gets out.
So
sadly it's back to the drawing board for Mayor Courtney. The youth of
today are often unfairly criticised and compared unfavourably to
previous generations, but in the case I think a little too much trust
has been placed in their feckless hands.
IT'S A GIRL!
Back
before quiz shows dealt only in cold, hard cash there was a real
chance that a single, elderly woman living in a small cottage in the
Midlands might end up going home with a speedboat. That was just how it
was. There appeared to be no forethought when it came to dishing out
prizes, who on earth would want a set of self-folding vacuum
cleaners? Doesn't matter just bung it in as prize number seven and
away we go. The introduction of Who wants to be a Millionaire changed
all that however and now no quizzer worth their salt will appear on
anything offering less than a few grand for their efforts. But the
producers of Pakistani gameshow Aman Ramzan have decided that cash
money is just a little bit passé. Ew fifty thousand rupees, how very
boring.
Contestants
on Aman Ramzan (which is basically the Pakistani version of The Price
is Right) could potentially land the gift of a lifetime, but not
their lifetime, someone else's. A recent childless couple who had
registered an interest in caring for abandoned children found their
wishes coming true in the most unlikely of fashions. Most prospective
parents receive news of a child's arrival in more conventional ways
than this.
You
may say that all's well that ends well. Two overjoyed parents and a
child with a new home, perfect. But how the fuck are they going to
explain this one to Junior in a few years time? Oh yeah, we err, won
you on a TV show, your father wanted to take the flat-screen TV but I
convinced him you were the better option. Should be an interesting
conversation.
OPEN
THE POD DOORS HAL
Uh oh it's finally happened, the
robots are taking over and we are all officially doomed. And wouldn't
you just know it, it's the Japanese who've set the ball in motion.
Their creation Kirobo – who in no, way, shape or form looks like a
creepy little monster bent on world domination – is being sent into
space to test how machines can help astronauts with their work. Um
hello have you not seen 2001: A Space Odyssey? We've already seen how
machines help astronauts with their work and
it's not pretty. The six other crew members who will be accompanying
Kirobo may as well already be dead, it's up to the rest of us to save
ourselves now.
And
in fact Kirobo has begun his manifesto early
by
menacingly stating that
he
“hoped
to create a future where humans and robots live together and get
along.” Yeah right boy, pull the other one. It starts all friendly
and nice and before you know it we're bowing to our new masters and
begging for forgiveness. Our only hope now
is
that Obama
or Cameron, or feck it, even Enda, realise the danger this little
shite poses to humanity and blows the fucker out of the sky. Because
otherwise it'll be curtains for mankind, mark my words.
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