Sunday, August 4, 2013

Seven days and one week

A round-up of the week's major news stories as seen through the eyes of an inattentive, misinformed moron.


At the time of writing Gareth Bale is still a Tottenham Hotspur player. But with an offer rumoured to be in excess of 100 million pounds on the table it appears only a matter of time before the Welshman swaps the white of Spurs for that of Madrid. It really is an outlandish sum of money and the size of the fee has sparked fevered debate among football fans throughout the world - the common theme being “Is he worth it?”But who knows if he's worth it? His value is inestimable when compared to real world finances. However when it comes to money football has always made up it's own rules. Forget about the fact that over half of Spaniards under twenty-five are unemployed, or that Real are heavily in debt and continue to flagrantly disregard the recently introduced FFP; Barcelona have signed Neymar, and the King's club can't have those pesky Catalans outdoing them.

This is what football has become, a willy-waving contest. And in spite of all their prestige and history Real Madrid are by far the worst culprits. The craziest thing of all is that as a squad they have no pressing need for the mercurial talents of Bale, they are already stockpiled with attacking talent and a defensive linchpin is far more of a priority - but lumbering, wonky-nosed stoppers don't sell jerseys. The likelihood is that Bale will end up at the Bernebau and luckily for English football that will mean a stagnant market suddenly bursting into life as a result. The future of many of the league's top names should be decided within the next few weeks bringing an end to many months of mind-numbing speculation.

But the future of a club which once counted themselves among the league's top names for over thirty years is unlikely to be resolved any time soon. This week Coventry City went into liquidation, that's right the same club who regularly tamed the game's big boys at a feverish Highfield Road, the same club who once boasted talents like Dion Dublin, Gary McAllister and Darren Huckerby. How much money the club needed to remain financially viable is not known, but I'd wager that it amounted to little more than a fraction of the price tag placed upon the monkey-headed Welshman.


Will I do another doughnut Mrs Murphy?” “Yes, go on, do another, WAHEY!” “You asked for it.” SCREEECH!!! “WHEEEEEEE.”
That was a fictional reconstruction of an old-age pensioner in a car with a boy-racer, no grannies nor local amenities were damaged during it's production. But this unlikely alliance may soon become a reality all over the country if Killarney's Mayor Paddy Courtney has his way. Mr Courtney's suggestion is that these young ne'er do wells tearing up the roads in their souped up Micras put their mileage to better use. And how so? By ferrying the nation's grannies and grandads to and from their social activities that's how. Worried about how you're going to get home from mass Mr O'Leary? Fear not help is at hand in the guise of young Liam here. Now just hop in the back seat there, that's right, beside the subwoofers, and away you go, be sure to buckle up tight 'cos it's bound to be a bumpy ride.

The funny thing is that this isn't the worst idea of all time. If you can ignore the legal ramifications and the propensity for mischief for a second it could actually work – sure them young fellas are haring up and down the road all day and night anyway, why not stick an ould wan in the back while they're at it! But then you think back to when you were that age and the whole thing comes tumbling down. Imagine the craic you'd have with a poor, defenceless septuagenarian coming along for the ride. There'd be joints flying around the place, Biggie Smalls blasting at full volume and corners took at death-defying speed, if Mrs McGrath wasn't incontinent before she got into the car she fuckin' will be by the time she gets out.

So sadly it's back to the drawing board for Mayor Courtney. The youth of today are often unfairly criticised and compared unfavourably to previous generations, but in the case I think a little too much trust has been placed in their feckless hands.


Back before quiz shows dealt only in cold, hard cash there was a real chance that a single, elderly woman living in a small cottage in the Midlands might end up going home with a speedboat. That was just how it was. There appeared to be no forethought when it came to dishing out prizes, who on earth would want a set of self-folding vacuum cleaners? Doesn't matter just bung it in as prize number seven and away we go. The introduction of Who wants to be a Millionaire changed all that however and now no quizzer worth their salt will appear on anything offering less than a few grand for their efforts. But the producers of Pakistani gameshow Aman Ramzan have decided that cash money is just a little bit passé. Ew fifty thousand rupees, how very boring.

Contestants on Aman Ramzan (which is basically the Pakistani version of The Price is Right) could potentially land the gift of a lifetime, but not their lifetime, someone else's. A recent childless couple who had registered an interest in caring for abandoned children found their wishes coming true in the most unlikely of fashions. Most prospective parents receive news of a child's arrival in more conventional ways than this.

You may say that all's well that ends well. Two overjoyed parents and a child with a new home, perfect. But how the fuck are they going to explain this one to Junior in a few years time? Oh yeah, we err, won you on a TV show, your father wanted to take the flat-screen TV but I convinced him you were the better option. Should be an interesting conversation.


Uh oh it's finally happened, the robots are taking over and we are all officially doomed. And wouldn't you just know it, it's the Japanese who've set the ball in motion. Their creation Kirobo – who in no, way, shape or form looks like a creepy little monster bent on world domination – is being sent into space to test how machines can help astronauts with their work. Um hello have you not seen 2001: A Space Odyssey? We've already seen how machines help astronauts with their work and it's not pretty. The six other crew members who will be accompanying Kirobo may as well already be dead, it's up to the rest of us to save ourselves now.

And in fact Kirobo has begun his manifesto early by menacingly stating that he “hoped to create a future where humans and robots live together and get along.” Yeah right boy, pull the other one. It starts all friendly and nice and before you know it we're bowing to our new masters and begging for forgiveness. Our only hope now is that Obama or Cameron, or feck it, even Enda, realise the danger this little shite poses to humanity and blows the fucker out of the sky. Because otherwise it'll be curtains for mankind, mark my words. 

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