Sunday, September 1, 2013

Seven days and one week

A round-up of the week's major news stories as seen through the eyes of an inattentive, misinformed moron.

La la la la la, I can't hear you

So in spite of all the warnings about our health and childhood obesity we've just carried on as normal. We've continued scoffing our fat faces with sugary drinks and greasy crisps, and we won't be happy until we're all so huge that we can't even lift that lovely bitta cake to our gaping gobs. Don't believe me? Well the stats don't lie; Ireland's biggest selling brand is, for the ninth year in a row, *drum-roll*...............................Coca-Cola. What a surprise. A drink that contains ten spoons of sugar per can is the most popular grocery item in a country full of hippos, well I never. 

Clearly I'm being dramatic here, we're not all chubsters and let's face it, Coke is fuckin' lovely - you really can't beat the feeling. But the fact that the omnipotent soft drink continues to be so popular despite several campaigns warning of the dangers of fizzy drinks is quite worrying. Perhaps these figures were tallied too early and this time next year Coke will be nowhere to be seen. Perhaps in twelve months time the list will be topped by Manuka Honey, Green Tea or whatever else 'they' tell us is good for us. Unlikely though, instead we'll just continue in the same vein, paying not a second's heed to the health risks until it's too late.

And if you're looking for reassurances further down the list then I'm afraid you're out of luck. The rest of the top ten consists of Avonmore, Brennan's, Lucozade, Cadbury’s Dairy Milk, Tayto, 7up, Jacobs, Walkers and Danone. So that's: milk, bread, fizzy drinks, chocolate, crisps, more fizzy drinks, biscuits, more crisps and a lovely yoghurt to top it all off, delicious, a meal fit for a King. We've already adopted the American accent and made it our own, and it appears our next step is to assume the mantle of the world's fattest nation from our trans-Atlantic cousins. 

My achey-breaky tart

How could anyone called Miley ever be considered sexy? That's what was going through my mind as I watched Ms Cyrus gyrating like a demented crack addict in nowt but her smalls. I certainly wasn't titillated by her performance, if anything I found it comical. If that's what's considered sexy in the world of music today then I may just strip to my own undies and pursue a chart career myself. What? What do you mean I can't sing? Since when has that stopped anyone. But for all I know Miley Cyrus is a vocal powerhouse with a talent for song-writing unparalleled throughout history, I've never heard her music so I couldn't possibly comment.

However if she possesses even a smidgen of talent why did she feel the need to debase herself in front of an audience of millions? In the music industry I believe this is what they call “vamping it up”, Miley is no longer a child, she's now a woman and by God don't we know it. She could have been a bit more subtle though no? A tasteful photo-shoot containing demure snaps of a shy but sexy teen eager to announce her womanhood. Nah just get yer kit off and wiggle your arse a bit, they'll love it! 

Like most modern day artists Miley Cyrus is a product and those in charge of her career have decided that now is the time to target a new audience. Gone are the innocent pre-teens and the bubblegum pop, now it's all angsty young women, raunchy lyrics and suggestive attire. If she's lucky Cyrus will emerge unscathed from this period of her career and maybe even continue on in the industry, alá Madonna. If she's unlucky, well, think Britney Spears. And those calling the shots? They'll wait for her to implode before dispensing with her services and moving on to the next cash-cow. 

I'm Batman

If I was to be given one superpower I would, quite naturally, choose carefully. I'd weigh up my options; the ability to fly? Nah. Lasers coming out of my eyes? Tempting, but still nah. Super-smartness? Um, hello? No, if I were choosing such a thing I would inevitably pick something that would enable me to get up to all kinds of mischief, I'm thinking invisibility or the ability to read minds, what I'd use them for I'll leave up to your imagination. Sadly the real-life (sic) superheroes of this world are far more virtuous than I and most tend to use their talents for the greater good. Booring. 

Then again if we were to watch a movie about a mind-reading supervillain playing tricks on unsuspecting strangers it probably wouldn't make for great viewing. No it's all save the world and get the girl as far as these lads are concerned. And in fairness they do make for great films, sometimes. Personally I can take or leave most of this particular genre of film-making, I enjoyed The Dark Knight Rises but cringed a tad at the wankfest that surrounded it. However before you think I'm getting all holier than thou you should bear in mind that I still hold out hope of becoming a Jedi at the ripe old age of 34. 

But although I love the Star Wars franchise (urgh what a horrible word) I did the normal thing and took it on the chin when George Lucas besmirched my memories of the original trilogy with those lamentable prequels. Yes Hayden Christensen was a disaster and yes Jar-Jar Binks was about as entertaining as glandular fever but it's only a movie, move on, there'll be other movies. Try telling that to Batman-men (hmm is that right?), fuckin' hell talk about a furore! It's only a film lads, relax. Personally if I was choosing the next Batmen I'd go for........oh no wait........I don't give a fuck. And neither should you. I do actually agree with their misgivings about Ben Affleck though, he has a face like an arse, and no superhero should ever have an arse-face. But the hullabaloo which followed the announcement was ever so slightly over the top, aside from the occasional well-measured, constructive debate it was wall-to-wall outcry. How could you do this? Are you crazy? No, they're not. But you are. 

The eighty-percenters

Ye fussy fuckin' hoors? Who us? Yes you, sitting there preening yourselves thinking yeer great wans, well it's not fuckin' on. What am I talking about? I'm talking about Irish women and their abhorrent treatment of us fellas. A recent survey among the fairer sex revealed that in their opinion 80% of Irish men are below average looking. Well excuse us, we're sorry we're not all Charlie Taters or whatever he's called. We're busy being real blokes and doing real stuff, we haven't time to spend hours in front of the mirror moisturising and making ourselves all photogenic and shit. 

If ye don't like us then fuck off somewhere else, we don't mind, we'll have the Polish wans to look at. Haha ye didn't know that did ye? That's right, while ye've been silently judging us and calling us ugly fuckin' bastards we've been completely oblivious, far too busy perving on our Eastern European neighbours to actually give a shit. Only problem is the Poles and Slovaks tend to stick to their own, and by the way have you seen the Eastern European men? We're all adonises compared to them gargoyles. So I guess we're kinda stuck with ye, and ye with us. As it goes I think at least 65% of Irish women are average or above average looking, for all your faults you're not a bad bunch. Although if you don't take that look of disgust off your face that number could significantly drop

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