Sunday, December 1, 2013

Seven days and one week

A round-up of the week's major news stories as seen through the eyes of an inattentive, misinformed moron.

Boomtown rat

Calum Best, Paris Hilton and Jack Osborne, what do they have in common? Well obviously they're all annoying cunts but apart from that? They've all exploited their parent's fame for their own benefit. None of them have any particular talent of their own but that hasn't stopped them becoming worldwide celebrities. And they're not alone, it seems that as soon as the children of famous folk hit a certain age they themselves are flung into the spotlight whether they like or not. Most shy away from it and contrive to make something of their lives away from the public eye, and others...hello Calum.

Peaches Geldof falls into that category too I'm afraid. “But she's a journalist!” I hear you exclaim, “and a model!” Fuck off. I'm not having that. She got where she is in life because of her surname, simple as that. Although her journalistic skills should be praised in light of her efforts to shine more light on the Ian Watkins case. Using her super sleuth skills Peaches went online, read the names of women alleged to have allowed Watkins access to their children, and then tweeted those names to her 160,000 followers. She must have been absent when ethics and standards was being taught.

How stupid could she be? The power of the celebrity ensures that should someone in her position so much as fart the whole world will know about it within minutes. And with a case like this, which has garnered huge attention, she may have lit the blue touch paper and watched the whole thing go up in flames. Peaches now risks being prosecuted herself, but of course the identity of her superstar father ensures that this will most likely not happen. The contradictory benefits of fame eh? As for Watkins – that fucker is going to, quite literally, get torn a new arsehole once the boys in C block get their hands on him.

A level playing field?

I like Boris Johnson. How could you not? He's your atypical bumbling Brit and appears blissfully oblivious to his own shortcomings. But not everyone agrees with me, there's always been certain sections of the British media that have had a problem with Boris and boy did they have a field day this week. And for what? He simply pointed something that we all know; that your intelligence plays a major factor in how you fare in life. Here are his words in full, “Whatever you may think of the value of IQ tests, it is surely relevant to a conversation about equality that as many as 16 per cent of our species have an IQ below 85, while about 2 per cent have an IQ above 130.” Taken on it's own that statement might not resonate but in the context of his speech, which included discourses on inequality, Gordon Gekko and cornflakes, it has caused hysteria among the liberal left.

The complaints stem from the belief that Johnson was mocking the underclass and making light of their plight. 'SOME PEOPLE ARE TOO STUPID TO GET AHEAD IN LIFE' screamed the headlines. It's true, some people are too stupid to get ahead in life. The inability to make the most of your lot is not restricted to the 'stupid' though, there's plenty of supposedly intelligent folk who can't get their shit together either. In fact the main issue with Boris' statement was that it didn't factor in social class and how big a part that plays in someone's life regardless of how clever they are. You could be the brightest fucker in the world but if you live in the wrong part of town, and don't have access to the resources needed to make the most of your talents, then forget about it.

Johnson didn't once suggest that the 16% came from underprivileged areas, the namby pamby press did that for him. And by doing so they merely added to the stigmatisation that these people suffer on a daily basis. This self-congratulatory reporting on Johnson's innocuous speech merely shows how far removed the British media are from those who they claim to represent.

Sacked in the morning

 A few weeks ago I defended the right of Spurs' fans to sing songs about their Jewish heritage. I've always been of the opinion that football supporters pay a lot of money to watch their teams and are entitled to sing what they want – within reason. But I'm not sure the manager of that very same club would agree with me. During Tottenham's two nil victory over Norwegian minnows Tromso AVB was subjected to some seemingly good-natured taunts from a member of the crowd. Reidar Stenersen Jr, who was seated near the Spurs dugout, took to telling Villas-Boas that he would be “sacked in the morning” during the early stages of Thursday night's game. For his efforts he was rewarded with an ice-cold stare.

But when he resumed his one-man assault towards the end of the half he found himself being asked to move seats after Villas-Boas complained about him to the police. Aw, diddums. I'm not sure what's worse, the fact AVB complained or that the authorities acted on his behalf. This is what happens in football, you take abuse and if you're lucky you get to give a bit back at the end of the game. Perhaps Stenersen Jr was unfortunate in that he was by himself, if he'd managed to corral a group of rowdy Norwegians to have a go at the beleaguered Spurs boss then it's unlikely they would have faced censure. The lesson to be learned here is if you've got something nasty to say about someone make sure you do it with the backing of a large crowd. Power in numbers that's what it all about.
And as for Stenersen Jr? He declined the offer to move to a different part of the ground and retired to the pub for the evening, presumably to shout obscenities at AVB from the comfort of a bar stool.

 I'd give my left bollock for one of those

The human body is a quite resilient piece of kit. You can break its bones, poison it with alcohol and even take parts of it out, and it'll still keep on chugging away. But for the majority of us it truly is a temple and we treat it with the respect and care that it deserves. Unless there's red sports car on offer that is. Mark Parisi, from Las Vegas, has revealed his plans to sell one of his testicles to US scientists for the princely sum of £22,000. Poor fella he must be really down on his luck to have to do that. Not really, he plans to use the money to buy a Nissan 370.

He could at least get a Ferrari, if you're going to all that trouble and plan to spend the rest of your life with just one veg to accompany your meat you should be aiming higher than a fuckin' Nissan! But maybe he's working his way towards that. We often hear of people donating kidneys to loved ones, perhaps Mark will sell his to generate funds for a helicopter. What else have we got that we can live without? I'm not sure but I bet Mark knows. If you see a limbless, earless figure driving along in a high-end sports car any time soon chances are it'll be Mr Parisi just living the dream. 

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